About "Me Time", of Challenges, and of Setting a New Goal: The End Days of Recurring Indifference

WARNING: This post contains content that is not interesting at all. You are not required nor forced to read this. This is on a personal level only. But if you persist just consult your doctor afterwards - hahaha!.

Recurring is synonymous to returning, frequent occurrence of similar thing or situation and/or habitual occurrences.

While "indifference" on the other hand is a state when someone shows lack of interest, concern, or sympathy over a thing, a person, or an endeavor.

Perhaps you may be wondering why I'm a bit on a senti mode right now. The rain (yeah it rained today here in KSA and is still raining actually) today led me to have my "me time" and to further reflect into my other significant goals. The cozy surrounding is like inviting a melancholic atmosphere in me. 

Each of us has our "me time". A time when we are lead to think of things on a deeper level. A time when we are squarely confronted by different thoughts that has been bothering us for quite sometime. And yes, I feel it today. Despite a euphoric , ecstatic, and joyful celebration of the GA (General Assembly) and the baptism of my first born yesterday I went home feeling so tired. I just don't know why I suddenly felt it. It's like I was carrying the weight of a mountain that my emotional defenses suddenly broke down. I don't even know either if it was triggered by physical exhaustion. All I know is that I'm a bit sad for no apparent reason. 


Am I just being sensitive yesterday? Yes, admittedly, I am sensitive at some extent - everybody has its share I presume. There are certain situations that we just can't take things at the expense of a joke. As they say, jokes are half meant. 

It's quite absurd of me to be feeling sensitive yesterday because normally I'm a person who can take jokes easily. Yet I realized that if the jokes are recurring, it somehow sounding so odd that I just feel the need to shut my ears just not to hear about it anymore. Most especially if the delivery wasn't done constructively. (meron bang ganun? pero meron ata, eto yata yung paano mo nai-deliver ang joke). Funny thing is the people throwing it are your very friends. As they said, dito na pumapasok yung fine line na porke't mga kaibigan mo parang may ticket na sila to throw any kind of jokes to you kasi kaibigan mo. Para sa akin, may sensitivity pa rin ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Kahit best friend pa kita, I still consider your feelings.

On the other end of the rope, this isn't the main issue why I'm just feeling blue today. This is about my personal battle for one thing. Sorry I can't disclose it here as it's my prerogative to fight it squarely yet silently. (Bigla kayong nag-isip ano?) Don't worry malalaman nyo rin in due time if result is evident na. But for now, let's leave the status quo. 

I just realized that if it is God's way of purifying myself and refining my soul then so be it. I will gladly obey to Him as He is my bastion, my hero, my defender, my fortress, my rock, and my Lord.

I have been meaning to confront this and end the days of mockery, misery, and disappointing (sometimes disheartening side comments) and bring back to what I have started way back in 2004. I know I can do it. And I must deliver well this time. I told my wife that somehow I reach a point that I feel depress about it. Good thing, my wife is so supportive of me. Admittedly, I can blame no one since I allowed this to happen. I didn't bother that I'm being indifferent to some extent already. 

And if I allowed this thing to happen, I have the power to put a permanent stop to it too. I also have the power to turn things around in my favor. And yes, I am determined to finish this race victorious. I have goals and in order to successfully advance to it I must be wearing a high level of self discipline too. Definitely, I'll be giving up some things that I used to do. It'll be a hard process but I am willing to be subjected to it to regain my confidence and self-esteem (because I feel I lost them already).

For some people I know and friends alike, they always view me as a people person, dynamic, always on the go, pro-active, and travel go-getter. Little did they know that I have my share of weaknesses too. Little did they know that sometimes I also need someone to cheer me up too. And little did they know that I am still a human prone to blunders and shortcomings.

And I want to set the record straight here that the recurring indifference will soon be a thing of the past. The end days of it is clearly numbered. And I will work my butt-off just to regain what it has taken away from me - SELF CONFIDENCE.

With God in my favor, I know I can win this battle magnanimously. Let the race begin.